The Economy: Let's Get to the Bottom of it

A special 5 part report by Beez Waxman

Part one: How Did We Get Here?

When long time friend/enemy and founder of the Buzzington Post V.S. Buzzington threw a stack of papers on my desk last Wednesday, I only had two questions: What's the assignment and when is it due? V.S. took a long puff on his cigar. Maybe a little too long. Then he turned away and looked out the window. He call's that his pondering pose.

"It's this economy, Beez," he said without looking back,"It's all fucked up and being stupid. The american people need to know what's going on... I need to know what's going on, I need to know, damnit. Damnit."

V.S. normally doesn't swear, so to hear him talk this frankly and eloquently while sprinkling in some explicatives only showed me how serious he was, and how serious the situation had become.

"Well," I replied, "What is it? I haven't heard anything about the economy in any competing news media or popular culture? Is it really news if no one knows about it?"

"Beez, I know... but this is important. Real important."

Thus began my journey into what may become my journalistic swan song... that's how absolutely shocking these results are. I spent hours going over numbers, facts, figures, interviewing strangers and friends alike. All in all, this story has been in the making since LAST Wednesday. Not the most recent Wednesday, the one before that.

Using a crack team of crack scientists, we've made a few conclusions about how we got to our present situation. For brevity's sake, I'll attempt to catch you up to speed through graphs and charts:

To quote my employer and founder of this online journalism site, or 'Onjournite' as I like to say, "this economy's all fucked up and being stupid." Now, normally when editoralizing I adhere to strict set of journalistic ethics, which include not using the major swears in print and trying to keep an upbeat attitude. I thought, because of the grave situation, I would use grave language to get my point across.

-BW

Breaking Buzz: Bega Bites

LOU BEGA

Now this is the top notch information you rely on from the BzPst.

Lou Bega, the man who brought you Mambo #5 has just signed onto the Mambo Kings "A Lou Bega Tribute Band"

That's right, Bega has joined a tribute band of his own music.

When asked for comment, Bega responded,

"I just feel like my music has inspired me to do so much with my life and I owe it to myself to pay tribute to the person who made that all possible." When the opportunity came along to play the bongos in this band, I just couldn't pass it up."

The Mambo Kings will be touring around the country all summer so keep a look out buzz nation

July 1.......John's Pizzeria

July 15......Tito's Bowl-o-rama

July 30.....Stinky Pete's Old Time Funnery Shop

August 2.....Oak Ridge Mall: Food Court, next to the Jamba Juice

August 15.....Topkea's K-Mart Parking Lot

August 31....Lillith Fair

Waxman Commentary: Heart Songs

by Beez Waxman

Dear Heart, 

Hey, stop beating so damn hard.  Seriously, cut it out.  I can feel you and it is starting to get really annoying.

There hasn't been a lady around in a long while and I know that I've just been lying here on the floor watching this DVD for the past hour so I know you have no good reason to be all crazy.

Are you angry with me?  Is that what this is about?  I've had too much pizza lately?  Well, if that is the case, then I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I've been eating so many carbs lately but I'm on a pretty limited budget, ok?  

I'm not mad at you, Heart, I'm not.  You don't need to rebel against me.  Why don't we all just calm down and have some of this cheesecake.  

Sincerely,

Beez Waxman

Breaking Buzz: Muppets Outraged

After a recent squabble with Big Bird for not providing enough funds for the construction of his Presidential library, George Bush has alienated the muppet community.

The issue is over Big Bird not honoring a committment he made to donate over 10 million dollars to the former President and George Bush airing his grievances publicly on Meet the Muppets.

A few years ago, this would have seemed inconceiveable, the muppets voted for George Bush overwhelmingly over John Kerry, but as they say you mess with one muppet and you mess with them all.

The key blow came at a recent charity function when Elmo, who voted against George W. Bush because of Bush's opposition to same-sex Muppet Marriage and day-care for Muppet Babies, came out and said that...

"George Bush doesn't care about Muppets."

Well its not just Elmo who is "tickled" by this issue, in the opinion of everyone here at the Nation, we to feel that George Bush does not care about muppets.

That's the daily buzz...stay posted for the latest muppet news and have a bee-utiful day

R.I.P. Dodger the Dog

Dodger the Dog
1985-2009



"Here's to hoping you never have to worry, you never have to care."

We have sad buzz to report today at the Buzzington Post. The passing of dear, dear friend Dodger.

Dodger was full of life, and because of his size, the vets said he wouldn't live more than 5 or 6 years. We can happily say that he made liars of them by living a complete and adventurous life. He finally succumbed to a heart attack at 15 years of age. He suffered from slight arthritis in his later years, but always had his tail wagging. Though he never had a dime, he had street saviore faire. They loved him at the Chelsea. They adored him at the Ritz. Dodger is proceeded in death by the passing of Rita. He is survived by his life partner Oliver, as well as friends Tito, Einstein, and the rest of Company.

Breaking Buzz: Dancing News

ALF is back, in dance form!







Dancing with the Stars, now this is a show that has revitalized both dancing and stars (not giant balls of gas, but washed-up, borderline famous people such as...joey fatone, mario lopez, lance bass, toni braxton, and a bunch of other people who used to be credible artists

now the show that got A.C. Slater a gig on Extra is reaching to the 80's well once again to grab another star to resurrect. Ladies and Gentlemen season 9 of Dancing with Stars will feature the dancing stylings of none of other than the Maniac from Melmac, Gordon Shumway, A.k.a. Alf

He will be dancing the cha-cha as a headliner for next years show, he will be joined by webster, gary coleman, major dad, the cast of the hogan family, and frank stallone

This is stacking up to be the best season ever...now go forth and spread the news at your water coolers buzz nation!!

Hot 2 Trot: Point/Counterpoint

Now the case has been made that Meghan McCain is hotter than Chelsea Clinton and it's time for

Point/Counterpoint

Point: Meghan McCain is the daughter of a Presidential candidate

Counterpoint: Chelsea Clinton is the daughter of THE President

Point: Meghan McCain is getting kind of famous

Counterpoint: Chelsea Clinton was mentioned in Rush Hour and inspired the 2004 classic film "Chasing Liberty" Starring Mandy Moore

Point: Meghan McCain majored in Art History "Bleh"

Counterpoint: Chelsea Clinton has a Masters in International Relations from Oxford

Overall these points prove that Chelsea Clinton is hotter and that's the final buzz