Breaking news

Sam is a probably not a homo.

Cyberbuzz: Updated Jon Secada News!!!

From Jon Secada's very own twitter account:

1. would like to be offered a spot on Chelsea Lately only so I can tell them I don't want to go to Chelsea Lately.about 5 hours ago from web
2. @alexgetchell  I dont understand all this Snuggie fascination either, in my day had clothes or we had blankets, not both!12:10 AM Apr 5th from web

1. can't believe how much I sweat the instant I leave air-conditioned space. How do Tusken Sandraiders do it?2:34 PM Mar 31st from web

just bought a flask online for kicks. once my bindle and hastily patched overcoat come in, I'll be the sharpest hobo at the trainyard ;-)12:12 PM Mar 26th from web

1. @Magnoliafan  No, the No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency did not make me cry, my tear ducts are just malfunctioning! 
   3:04 AM Mar 25th from web

Adventure Journalism: A Buzz Reporter's Buzzworthy Journey Home

Editor's Note:  We interrupt Beez Waxman's special five part journalistic journey in and around the Economy series to bring you the first part of a nine part narrative series explaining Beez Waxman's absence from this site.

By Beez Waxman

Chapter One:  Captured!

On this grey morning, I was sitting in my grey chair.  As my kitchen clock ticked, I was doing that thing with your eyes where you look straight ahead but bring your eye sight backwards and focus on nothing.  Everything goes fuzzy and then clear in the foreground, like the ants at the beginning of the Lion King.  The lampshade was the ants.  Whenever I do this, I always picture myself drooling a bit… but I never do.  I was waiting for the clock to hit 6:45, then I could head out and catch my bus to the office.  The daily grind.  It was killing me. 

The name’s Waxman.  Beez Waxman.  I’m a journalist.  And before today, I’ve never put the word Adventure in front of it and then capitalized Adventure and Journalist to make it a title rather than a description.

I’ve never done that.  Until today.

My tongue worked a morsel of Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs cereal from out of a small crevice in a back molar. 6:38.  Chocolatey.  6:38  Peanut Buttery.  6:3-

A rapping interrupted my thought process.   It was at my front door, but I assumed, its attention was not for me, but for my neighbor across the hall.  I ignored the first series of raps, but they were soon followed by a second, louder series. 

“It’s a little early for you to be making all that ruckus,”  I said. 

“And it’s a little early for you to be playing hide and seek; recess is at noon thirty”  Came a gruff voice from the other side of the door.  I turned towards the door, to face my nameless accuser.  The doorknob stared at me, mocking, teasing me- More rapping.

“I think you want Glover, he’s across the hall.” 

“We’re well aware of what door we’re rapping on.  We have a business propisition for you.  One we think you’ll… enjoy.”

The last syllable of his sentence hung in the air between us, as if it had snuck underneath the door to annoy me, echoing back and forth from my forehead to the doorframe.  I considered what their proposition could be, and before I made my first mistake of a very long day, I crossed myself.

As soon as I unlatched the door it was shoved open, knocking me backwards but not off my feet.  No, I didn’t leave my feet until one of my attackers snaked his leg around the back of my ankles and then shoved me in the chest.  This all felt vaguely familiar, in the fifth grade sense.  I was thinking of my old elementary school stomping grounds when a burlap sack was forcibly shoved over my head.  

“Fuck you.”  I said through a burlap filter.  And then the room took a darker shade of black.

Breaking Buzz: Pulled Pork not Pulled at Boston Blackies

This just in: Chicago restaurant Boston Blackies BBQ Pork Sandwich is not actually a BBQ pulled pork sandwich like one would expect. It is sliced and not very good. When working on a lead on another story, I tried to regail myself back to times of yesteryore by stopping at the Boston Blackies in Lincoln Park. I ordered the BBQ Pork Sandwich and was thoroughly disappointed.

More details when they come in.

The Economy: Let's Get to the Bottom of it

A special 5 part report by Beez Waxman

Part one: How Did We Get Here?

When long time friend/enemy and founder of the Buzzington Post V.S. Buzzington threw a stack of papers on my desk last Wednesday, I only had two questions: What's the assignment and when is it due? V.S. took a long puff on his cigar. Maybe a little too long. Then he turned away and looked out the window. He call's that his pondering pose.

"It's this economy, Beez," he said without looking back,"It's all fucked up and being stupid. The american people need to know what's going on... I need to know what's going on, I need to know, damnit. Damnit."

V.S. normally doesn't swear, so to hear him talk this frankly and eloquently while sprinkling in some explicatives only showed me how serious he was, and how serious the situation had become.

"Well," I replied, "What is it? I haven't heard anything about the economy in any competing news media or popular culture? Is it really news if no one knows about it?"

"Beez, I know... but this is important. Real important."

Thus began my journey into what may become my journalistic swan song... that's how absolutely shocking these results are. I spent hours going over numbers, facts, figures, interviewing strangers and friends alike. All in all, this story has been in the making since LAST Wednesday. Not the most recent Wednesday, the one before that.

Using a crack team of crack scientists, we've made a few conclusions about how we got to our present situation. For brevity's sake, I'll attempt to catch you up to speed through graphs and charts:

To quote my employer and founder of this online journalism site, or 'Onjournite' as I like to say, "this economy's all fucked up and being stupid." Now, normally when editoralizing I adhere to strict set of journalistic ethics, which include not using the major swears in print and trying to keep an upbeat attitude. I thought, because of the grave situation, I would use grave language to get my point across.

-BW

Breaking Buzz: Bega Bites

LOU BEGA

Now this is the top notch information you rely on from the BzPst.

Lou Bega, the man who brought you Mambo #5 has just signed onto the Mambo Kings "A Lou Bega Tribute Band"

That's right, Bega has joined a tribute band of his own music.

When asked for comment, Bega responded,

"I just feel like my music has inspired me to do so much with my life and I owe it to myself to pay tribute to the person who made that all possible." When the opportunity came along to play the bongos in this band, I just couldn't pass it up."

The Mambo Kings will be touring around the country all summer so keep a look out buzz nation

July 1.......John's Pizzeria

July 15......Tito's Bowl-o-rama

July 30.....Stinky Pete's Old Time Funnery Shop

August 2.....Oak Ridge Mall: Food Court, next to the Jamba Juice

August 15.....Topkea's K-Mart Parking Lot

August 31....Lillith Fair

Waxman Commentary: Heart Songs

by Beez Waxman

Dear Heart, 

Hey, stop beating so damn hard.  Seriously, cut it out.  I can feel you and it is starting to get really annoying.

There hasn't been a lady around in a long while and I know that I've just been lying here on the floor watching this DVD for the past hour so I know you have no good reason to be all crazy.

Are you angry with me?  Is that what this is about?  I've had too much pizza lately?  Well, if that is the case, then I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I've been eating so many carbs lately but I'm on a pretty limited budget, ok?  

I'm not mad at you, Heart, I'm not.  You don't need to rebel against me.  Why don't we all just calm down and have some of this cheesecake.  

Sincerely,

Beez Waxman